Occasionally, I feel very old.
I begin to feel my 36-years when my early-20s co-workers want to “go out” on a Friday night and I am asleep on the couch by 9 pm. Or, when discussing television with the above mentioned group and receiving blank stares after mentioning a cavalcade of 80s programs.
I’m not the oldest person in my office; I just feel that way most of the time. Luckily, I managed to get to China before reaching my forties and inflicting my mid-life crisis on another nation. While shacking up with a girl half my age and constantly being a pain in the ass has allure, it’s not the way I would like to be remembered.
As an impetuous teenager I was convinced I would never see 25. A bleak outlook, but listening to the mope rock of The Cure, and the bitter societal lyric of John Lydon had a profound effect on a developing mind.
I joined facebook.com a few weeks back. After getting out of the considerable quagmire of gather.com I had decided not to be actively involved in online communities. I do have a life, a rather good one, which can be better spent away from the computer. But, a friend sent an invitation and I registered to see his posted photographs.
One thing leads to another, like one beer leads to seven. A coworker found me on Facebook, as did a number of high school, college and summer camp friends. When I started to receive messages that said, “I know it’s been 16 years…..etc.” I felt a slap in the face from age. Where did the time go? It spiraled down the drain, gone and almost forgotten, wasted on hedonism and self-pity.
One former camp friend sent a photo of a very young and angry Stevo. (I showed it to a present co-worker who responded, “You are much more handsome now.”) I don’t want to look back, it’s like looking at a car crash. But, it put things in perspective.
Like how old I am.
As I ride the down-slope to 40 I can only try to make up for my past misdeeds and have an influence, to do something to redeem an almost useless existence.
Wow, this is starting to sound serious and reflective. Far too deep for 6 am, because it’s a school day and too early to drink.
Arg. I tried writing a comment and each time that I’ve tried to post it, it hasn’t posted. Arg. Arg. (That’s a double arg there just in case you didn’t notice — combine that with the first arg and you’ve got a hat trick of args).
In my attempted comment, I said that I empathize with your situation but I added to it by saying that I think there is something nice about being older: due to a mild illness, I didn’t drink at all during the New Years festivities and consequently woke up the next morning feeling splendid. Also, I didn’t feel like I’d been an idiot the night before but I did have plenty of fun. All in all, I think things are better this way (and I still have memories of being silly in my youth and they can still make me laugh).
So I’m doing some ‘inane reading’ on a Friday night and I come across this little gem. Your existence was never useless. As for past misdeeds..life is far too short to dwell on such things. I too have many ‘angry Stevo’pictures in my photo collection…The photos on your facebook now are much better. 🙂