I hated winters when I lived in Canada. I feared the winter. Now, I have a fear of umbrellas.
The people that wax romantic about winter wonderlands are deluded. During my exile in Northern Ontario my cabin was wood-heated. When I awoke in that drafty little building, and the outside temperature hovered around -30° C, I could see my breath. Yes, I hate winters.
My Chinese existence has taught me to love winter. Yes, it’s cloudy and dreary for weeks on end, but the searing 40° C temperatures are replaced with a Canadian-like autumn. And, except for rainy days, there is a distinct lack of umbrellas.
The ubiquitous umbrella, invented in China in the days of yore and a still-used daily accessory, held aloft by women shielding themselves from the sun. Dark skin is considered low-class in China, one look at the cosmetic counters and the plethora of skin whitening creams attests to that. As do the endless infomercials with dramatic before-and-after images of newly nearly Caucasian-Asian women.
Women, and there obsession with light skin, doesn’t cause me concern. If I had some spare bucks I would open an umbrella factory to feed the frenzy and line my pockets. My difficulty with umbrellas is the possibility of umbrella-induced blindness. Yes, you read that correctly. I have a fear of umbrellas.
Look at a typical umbrella: The ribs that hold the canopy’s shape end in dangerously jagged pieces of metal (these ribs should not be confused with the food, I should try these baby back rib recipes). On a bright day they wink like malevolent, razor-sharp teeth. Those teeth want to taste my ocular fluid. I can hear them whispering. Ocular fluid gives umbrellas a mythical ability to better protect the bearer from the sun. I wear Oakley Sunglasses whenever I’m outdoors. Looking cool, while important, is not my primary concern. Protecting my vision is. The Oakleys provide both.
At lunch time 3000 students leave my school by a pathway twenty feet wide. Come summer, rain or shine, that path is a sea of umbrellas. I can only describe my danger like this: 5’ 10” Stevo, smaller Chinese students carrying umbrellas. The picture below (not as good as Bongo’s) graphically illustrates my fears.
Children are rarely concerned with the world around them. Adding the inability to walk in a straight line and umbrellas wishing feed on eye-flesh equals a recipe for disaster. This phenomenon isn’t restricted to the school. On a busy sidewalk hundreds of women bearing umbrellas chat on their cell phones. A quick step to avoid a puddle could push those sharp-edged umbrella bits deep into my eye sockets.
Is my fear of umbrella-induced blindness less rational than the fear of those bearing the umbrellas? Not much. I think to be an effective teacher I need my vision. Leading a reading exercise might prove more difficult wearing an eye-patch. (not that eye-patches aren’t cool. I love pirates. My dedication to the FSM has taught that.)
I haven’t conquered my fear of umbrellas, but do my best to control it. I don’t want it to rule my life. If it did I would be hidden in my apartment from May until November. There is little I can do about umbrellas other than wear cool faux-Oakley sunglasses and keep my head down.
And wait for winter.
I sometimes walk down the busy sidewalks of SF holding my arm out in front of me, vertical, elbow in front of my shoulder and hand higher than my head, so that the careless slobs walking with their umbrella edges aimed at my face will hoist their umbrellas over our heads.
It’s exasperating how often people will use their umbrellas as rams to clear traffic.
Thank Jebus I’m short!!!
Thank Jebus Arizonans are too dumb to use umbrellas!!!
Oakley sunglasses aren’t cool!!!
Oh, I too have the great fear of being eyespoked but as to winter? Though I have wished just once to have a warm and unwhite winter, I love the winters, and the colder the better. Just as I don’t think I’ve had a proper summer without a few sleepless sweaty nights I also feel winter isn’t true without a few blizzards or at least a spell of very cold days. I used to have an old army coat that was supposed to be good to 50 below and it was. I’d bundle up and go walking for hours. Once the coat and I, and a friend, hiked up a glacier in the middle of the night (not to be recommended in general) and camped there with no provisions save a bottle of southern comfort and a can of tuna. We experienced whiteouts and almost fell into cravasses and I will never forget it. I also have a husky that perks up when the snow falls and to walk out among the white, with more coming down, is a heaven of a sort. Love the desert, the jungle and the subtropical forest, but the snowblown prairie or mountains always brings out my inner Dr. Zhivago.
Love the illustration, what was it like having Nicole Ritchie run into you? 🙂 Ron.
Ben: I hear ya.
Jackie: Oakleys are very cool, on me.
Paul: I wish I could like winter. Snowshoeing and a bottle of wine by a wire, yes. Shoveling snow and scraping the windshield of the car, no.
Ron: My illustration looks like Nicole Ritchie? I am an artist!>
Love the illustration.
Pirates, purely decorative eye patches and the FSM are cool. Being blinded by an umbrella is not.
Yes you are Stevo. Although, not to be too nitpicky, the lines might have been a bit too thick. Ron
Eye for an eye…
oh, and by the way, vehicles of the future are going to be ocular-fluid powered, so get used to these sorts of intrusions.
I have the same overwhelming fear of umbrellas. I understand your fear. I never use them and would much rather get soaked v. carrying one of the vitreous humorless (though seeking it) contraptions.
Alan
Oh great flying spaghetti monster in the sky!
How can I have missed this post!
Woe woe woe is me.
I have a corrective order to issue unto you.
Umbrellas are sexy. Think of the French word: parapluie. That’s just sensuous. I’ve even considered changing my name to it.
Think more of my love’s former ICON! And, there you go. Alluring to say the least.
Skyward Semolina Serpent!
Maintain your woe….I cannot stop thinking of the Latin “penumbra” and its sinister shadowy respresetation.
Keep the umbrellas, paraplues, even parasols away from my peepers!
I thought I was the only person in China who was scared of umbrellas! Very bad choice of country for someone suffering from this particular phobia. I totally understand.